James & the Annoying Books That Tell The Future
by MaximumRideFan
Summary: A myserious author kidnaps James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily, and forces them to read Harry Potter and the Philosphere's Stone. First story- No flames.
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters**

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*_The scene opens up to the Room of Requirement which is empty except for a teenage boy in a cloak putting seven books on a table and rearranging some chairs. He then looks around and snaps his fingers causing three boys and a girl to appear_*

Sirius: What the?!?

Lily: Ok Potter, what kind of joke is this?

James: This is not me!

Remus: *_Notices the Author for the first time and takes out his wand* _who are you?

Author: Hi, don't be alarmed. Who I am is not important at the moment. Call me Author.

Lily: Where are we?

James, Sirius, and Remus: The Room of Requirement

Author: It's a room in Hogwarts that appears however you want it to.

Sirius: Great, now that we have established the obvious, WHY THE HECK ARE WE HERE?!?!

Author: Because of this. *_Holds up first Harry Potter Book_*

Remus: Harry Potter and ….

James: Hey that my last name!

Lily: *_sarcastically* _No really?

Remus: *_looking at James_* Relative of yours?

James: None that I've heard of.

Author: _*To Lupin, who is still pointing his wand at him* _Can you put that thing down, Moony?

Remus: *Startled* How do you know my name?

Author: Trust me, me knowing your name is going to be the least weird part of this story. I know more about you then you do.

Sirius: _*sarcastic*_ O.K that's not creepy…

Author: _*annoyed*_ I know your name too, Sirius Orion Black, so quit the sarcasm.

Lily: So why did you bring us hear?

Author: I told you- this book.

Remus: No book can be that important

James and Sirius: _*Stunned Moony would say this*_

Author: This book is.

James: How do we know you're not a death eater?

Author: Because if I were a death eater, with the power to apperate you out of these apparition proof rooms at Hogwarts, wouldn't I have killed you by now instead of doing this?

James: _*Can't argue with that logic*_

Author: Please hear me out. Just read the first chapter of this book, and then if you want to leave, I will send you back. OK?

Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus:*_Still confused_* Sure.

Author: Remus, want to do the honors?

Remus: I guess.

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**Here's the introduction to my story. Don't be too harsh- it's my first. Please review, (whether you liked it or not), and keep posted for the next chapter!**


	2. The Boy Who Lived

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Ian McKellen would have played Dumbledore**

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**Chapter 1 The Boy Who Lived **

**Mr. and Mrs. Dursley,**

Lilly: That's my sister's stalker's name!

Sirius: Your sister has a stalker?

Lilly: Yeah, he's this guy that follows her around everywhere. Reminds me of a big chubby, slightly stupid puppy dog

Author: *_Laughs at the thought of Vernon Dursley ever being described as a puppy dog_ *

**of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense. **

James: Something's going to happen.

Remus: Why do you say that?

James: They wouldn't say anything like that if something wasn't going to happen

**Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.**

James: What's a drill?

Remus: It's a muggle tool used to make holes.

James: *evil grin*

**He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck,**

Sirius_:_ Sounds like quite a catch.

**although he did have a very large mustache.**

Lilly:*_Suspiciously_* Except for the mustache, that's a good description of him.

**Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck,**

Lilly:*_Stiffens slightly_*

**which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors. **

Lilly: *_Looks horrified at the Author_*

**The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley**

All except the Author:* _Laughs hysterically_*

Sirius: That kid's going to get beaten up at school!

**and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere. **

**The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret,**

James: Ooo, I like secrets!

**and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it. They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters. **

James: That's me!

Lily: No its not.

James: It's my last name!

Lily: It's a common last name.

**Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister,**

James: You said a guy named Dursley liked your sister so if they got married, Mrs. Potter would be...

Lilly: The unluckiest girl in the world for having to marry you.

James:_ *Slightly put out*_

Author: _*Trying to contain his laughter*_

**but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister,**

Sirius: Bellatrix and Narcissa act the same way about Andromeda

**because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish**

Sirius: Is that a word?

Remus: No.

**as it was possible to be. The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.**

Remus: Probably something along the lines of "The Dursleys have visitors".

**The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too,**

James: We have a son!!

Lilly: We will never have a son; we will _never_ have children _together_!

**but they had never even seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away;**

**they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.**

Lilly: Why?

Remus: Probably they don't want to expose him to people of normal intelligence.

**When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.**

Sirius: Like what?

Author: Maybe a blue police box just appeared out of now where and Barty Crouch Jr. popped out of it saying "Allons-y!"

Sirius, James, Remus, and Lily: _*all look at him weird*_

**Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair. **

James: Brat.

Lily: Not necessarily- he could just be having a bad day.

Author: No, the kid's just a brat.

**None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window. **

Sirius: _*wiggling fingers*_ Magic

**At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.**

Lily: Ok, yeah, the kid's a brat.

"**Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive. **

**It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar — a cat**

Sirius: That's not weird.

**reading a map. **

Sirius: _That's_ weird.

**For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen — then he jerked his head around to look again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? It must have been a trick of the light.**

James: You know, seeing things is the first sign of insanity.

Sirius: I think this guy's way past his _first_ sign of insanity.

**Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back. As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive — no, **_**looking **_**at the sign; cats couldn't read maps **_**or **_**signs. **

Lily: There's something odd about that cat.

Sirius and Remus: _*Together*_ I hate cats.

Lily: Why?

Sirius and Remus: _*Together*_ We're dog people.

**Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.**

Lily: This man is seriously messed up if he likes thinking about drills**.**

**But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.**

Lily: Amazing.

**As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks. **

James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily: *Gasp*

James: Something's bad if they're out in daylight like that.

**Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes — the getups you saw on young people! He supposed this was some stupid new fashion.**

Sirius: We've been wearing robes for 700 years, you stupid son of a …

Author: Sirius watch it, this is a T rated story

Sirius: What are you talking about?

**He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdoes standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together.**

Remus: "Excitedly"- that's good news, right?

**Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak!**

Sirius: Stupid green.

**The nerve of him! But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt —these people were obviously collecting for something… yes that would be it. **

James: Are all muggles this dense?

_*At same time*_

Lily: No.

Author: Some.

**The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills. **

James: Okay, this guy has some weird fascination with drills.

**Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. **_**He **_**didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight,**

Sirius: What's happened? I mean, for wizards to be doing this so public...

**though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead.**

Lily: I wouldn't stare at birds circling over head with my mouth open; you never know what will fall in.

Sirius: …That's gross.

**Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime. Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more. **

Lily: I repeat- this guy is messed up.

Remus: I'd hate to work for him.

**He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.**

James: Ooo, fat man is going to walk and get more fattening food.

**He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. **

Sirius: Maybe because with one spell, we could turn you into a wombat.

**This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying. **

"**The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard —" **

Remus: Prongs, what did you do?

James: Nothing!

Lily: Probably something idiotic or illegal.

Sirius: Or both.

James: Don't gang up on me!

"— **yes, their son, Harry —" **

James: We name our kid Harry!!

Lily: We. Are. Not. Married.

**Mr. Dursley stopped dead. **

Sirius: Yay! He's dead!

Author: Not _that_ dead.

**Fear flooded him.**

Sirius: See, he drowned!

Author: _*About to say something but gives up*_

**He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it. **

Author: It would have been funny if he actually had.

**He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone,** **and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind. He put the receiver back down and stroked his mustache, thinking… no, he was being stupid.**

James: He's realizing that now!?!

**Potter wasn't such an unusual name.**

Remus: He's got a point there, Prongs.

**He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry. Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew **_**was **_**called Harry. **

**He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold. **

Sirius: And can't both of those names be shortened to Harry?

**There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley; she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her — if **_**he'd **_**had a sister like that… **

Lily: This sister of hers can't be that bad.

**but all the same, those people in cloaks… **

**He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon**

James: When is it easy to focus on drills?

**and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone just outside the door. **

"**Sorry," he grunted,**

Remus: Wow, I'm actually surprised he said sorry.

**as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak.**

Sirius: Doesn't Dumbledore wear violet robes sometimes?

Lily: Yes, but the man is 6'4, I wouldn't call him "tiny".

**He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground. On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passersby stare, **

James: Sounds a bit like Flitwick.

"**Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! **

_*Stunned silence soon followed by cheers *_

Lily: Good god he's dead!! _*realizes she had been hugging James and quickly lets go*_

Remus: This is fantastic, but how?

Sirius: Dumbledore maybe?

Remus: Could be...

James: Who cares how, just keep reading!

**Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!" **

Sirius: Damn right!

**And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle and walked off.**

James: I don't even think You-Know-Who's death would make me happy enough to hug him.

**Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was. He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination. **

Lily: This man clearly had a messed up childhood.

**As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw—and it didn't improve his mood — was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. **

Remus: Something's up with that cat

**It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around its eyes. **

Sirius: Weird.

"**Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly.**

**The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look. **

Sirius: Weirder.

**Was this normal cat behavior? Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife. **

**Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner all about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter**

Lilly: Wow, this woman has no life.

**and how Dudley had learned a new word ("Won't!").**

James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily: Brat!

**Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news: **

"_**And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in every direction since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern."**_

James: Oh, the Ministry's going to have a field day covering all this up.

_**The newscaster allowed himself a grin.**_

Lily: You think he knows?

Remus: He might. I suppose he could be a Squib or be married to a witch.

"_**Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin**_

Sirius: _*chuckling* _Funny name.

James, Remus, Lily, and Author: _*Give weird looks*_

_**with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?" **_

"_**Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!**_

James: That's brilliant!

Sirius: I'm writing that down.

Remus: _*Grinning at the idea as well, but stops when he sees Lily glaring at him*_

_**Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early**_

Author: O.K, I've read this book over 100 times, what is Bonfire Night?

Lily: It's a British holiday where you celebrate the fact that a group of people who tried to blow up Parliament failed.

— _**it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight." **_

Sirius: Ooo dirty

James, Remus, and Author:_*Smiling at the joke*_

Lily: That's disgusting

**Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair. Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters…**

James: If this oaf knows something's up, it's a wonder all of Europe hasn't found out about wizards by this point

**Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. "Er — Petunia,**

Lily:*_ falls out of chair* _My sister's name is Petunia, she likes a Vernon Dursley, and Mrs. Potter is Mrs. Dursley's sister. *_blinks a few times as truth hits her, then bursts into tears_* NO!!!

James: _*Singing happily* _I marry Lily, I marry Lily!

Lily: _*On the floor, rocking back and forth, holding her legs _* It's alright Lily, it's alright, it hasn't happened yet; you can stop it…

Remus and Sirius: _*discreetly give James high fives*_

**dear — you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"**

**As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry.**

Lily: *_Mostly recovered from the news of her marriage_* That's rude.

**After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister. **

Lily: What?!?

"**No," she said sharply. "Why?" **

"**Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls… shooting stars… and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today…" **

"_**So?**_**" snapped Mrs. Dursley. **

"**Well, I just thought… maybe… it was something to do with… you know… **_**her **_**crowd." **

Sirius: By "her crowd" he means people of average intelligence with magical powers, right?

**Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips. Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter."**

James: Do It!

**He decided he didn't dare.**

James: Chicken.

**Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son — he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?" **

"**I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly. **

Remus: Wait, when does this take place?

Author: This part takes place 3 years into your future.

Remus: _*smiling in a very Marauder like way* _The baby's around 1 now, so that means you've been married 1, 2 years tops. Sounds rather shot gunny to me.

Sirius and Author_:*Trying hard not to laugh*_

Lily_:*Reaches for her wand while glaring at James*_

James_:*Looks very, very nervous*_

"**What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?" **

"**Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."**

Lily: _*angry* _Any woman who names her son Dudley, has no right to judge.

"**Oh, yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. "Yes, I quite agree." **

**He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.**

Sirius: _*Suggestively* _Fun part.

Remus: You would honestly want to hear about Lily's sister and a fat dude making whoopee?

Sirius: _*Torn between being disgusted at himself and wanting to laugh at Moony saying "whoopee"*_

**While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something. **

Lily: This cat's got to be an Animagus.

Remus: That or a pet of a witch or wizard.

**Was he imagining things?**

James: No.

**Could all this have anything to do with the Potters?**

Lily: Yes.

**If it did… if it got out that they were related to a pair of — well, he didn't think he could bear it. **

**The Dursleys got into bed.**

Sirius: _*Wiggles eyebrows suggestively*_

**Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly**

Sirius: Ouch.

**but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind. His last, comforting thought before he fell asleep was that even if the Potters **_**were **_**involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley. **

Remus: I wouldn't count on it.

**The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind…**

Lily: True, Petunia hates my powers.

**He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on — he yawned and turned over — it couldn't affect **_**them**_**… **

James: It's going to affect him.

**How very wrong he was. **

James: Knew it.

**Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no sign of sleepiness. It was sitting as still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.**

Sirius: That cat is starting to scare me.

Remus: You realize how ironic that is.

**A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.**

James: So, he probably apperated.

**The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed. **

Lily: Sounds like it's going to attack.

**Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots.**

Sirius: It's Dumbledore!

James: Sounds like it.

**His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.**

Sirius: Anyone else want to know how that happened?

**This man's name was Albus Dumbledore. **

Sirius: Knew it.

**Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome. He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something. But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street. For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him.**

Lily: Not saying much, a lot of things amuse the guy.

**He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known." **

Remus: So, it's probably an Animagus.

**He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter.**

Remus: A Deluminator!

Lily: What?

Remus: An object created by Dumbledore. They absorb light.

**He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop. **

Sirius: Know it all.

**He clicked it again — the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer,**

Remus: Deluminator.

**until the only lights left on the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him. If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley,**

Lily: She does have beady eyes.

**they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement. Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer**

Remus: It's a Deluminator!

**back inside his cloak and set off down the street toward number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it. **

"**Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall." **

James, Sirius, Lily, and Remus: McGonagall?!?!

James: She's not an Animagus!

Remus: She's not now, maybe in three years she's registered.

Sirius: Unless she's unregistered.

Lily: Trust me of all the people to be unregistered Animagus, McGonagall is the last.

James, Sirius, and Remus:_*Exchange smirks*_

**He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman**

Sirius: "Severe looking women" barely covers it.

**who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one.**

James: Minnie, how could you?? Traitor!!!

**Her black hair**

Author: I've always pictured her with red hair though.

**was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled. "How did you know it was me?" she asked.**

Lily: There are several charms and enchantments capable of...

"**My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly." **

Lily: That to.

"**You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall. **

"**All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here." **

Sirius: Party!!

**Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily. **

James: The Sniff of Doom.

Remus: We've been on its receiving end many times.

"**Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right," she said impatiently. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no — even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." **

**She jerked her head back at the Dursleys' dark living-room window. "I heard it. Flocks of owls… shooting stars… Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent — I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle.**

Lily: Wasn't he in 7th year in our 1st?

Remus: Yeah! He was the one who accidently turned Hagrid's hair pink! Never good with magic…

Sirius: Come to think of it, he could have been the man Dursley bumped into. The guy's short, squeaky, and likes purple.

**He never had much sense." **

"**You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. "We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years." **

James: Unless you were on His side and liked the Muggle killings

"**I know that," said Professor McGonagall irritably. "But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors." **

**She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something,**

Sirius: Old gossip.

**but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all. I suppose he really **_**has **_**gone, Dumbledore?" **

Lily: Please say yes.

"**It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore. **

Lily: Thank God.

"**We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"**

James, Sirius and Remus: What??

Lily: Muggle candy.

Sirius: Good old Dumbledore.

"**A **_**what**_**?" **

"**A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of." **

"**No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops.**

Sirius: There's always time for food.

"**As I say, even if You-Know-Who **_**has **_**gone —" **

"**My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You-Know-Who' nonsense — for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: **_**Voldemort**_**."**

James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily: _*Wince*_

**Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice. "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who.'**

Lily: That is true, especially if you're a muggle born- You have no idea how long it took me to find out who "You Know Who" is.

**I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name." "I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. "But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, **_**Voldemort**_**, was frightened of."**

Sirius: I don't blame him- you've never seen him angry.

Lily: And you have?

Sirius: Yeah…

Lily: Why?

Sirius: Prank gone bad. _*Looks over ashamed at James and Remus*_

"**You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have." **

James: That's a scary thought.

"**Only because you're too — well —**_**noble **_**to use them." **

James: That's probably true.

"**It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs." **

Sirius: Wow, too much information.

James: Yeah, I don't want to hear about a 120 year old man's romantic life.

Author: That line always made me think there was something going on between Minerva and Albus.

Remus: That's just disturbing.

**Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore**

Author: See, she sounds jealous.

**and said, "The owls are nothing next to the **_**rumors **_**that are flying around. You know what they're saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?" **

Lily: Wait. Does this mean he wasn't defeated by Dumbledore ? Then how? I can't imagine him just having a heart attack.

**It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold, hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she did now. It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true.**

James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily: *Lean in close to book*

**Dumbledore, however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer. **

James and Sirius: Oh, come on!!

"**What they're **_**saying**_**," she pressed on, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters. **

James: Wait, did _I_ kill him?!?!

Remus: It would disappoint me if Voldemort was defeated by you, James.

James: Hey!

**The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are — are — that they're — **_**dead**_**." **

James: I'm…dead?

Lily: We're both dead?

_*Lily and James start tearing up*_

Sirius:*quickly* Remember you two, this is in the future- we can still stop it!

Remus: Right, I mean, now that we know when he will attack, we can be ready!!

**Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.**"**Lily and James… I can't believe it… I didn't want to believe it… Oh, Albus…"**

James: Wait, she's sad about my death?

Sirius: That's weird; I've always pictured her smiling at our funerals.

**Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "I know… I know…" he said heavily. **

**Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry. **

Lily and James: NO!!!!

Lily: If he put one finger on my son…

Remus: He would be dead and there would not be seven books with his name on them.

**But he couldn't. **

James, Sirius, Remus and Lily: What????

**He couldn't kill that little boy.**

Sirius: What do you mean he couldn't?

**No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter,**

Remus: Do they mean He did not have the power to kill Harry, or that He couldn't bring himself to kill a baby?

James: I don't know which is more unlikely.

**Voldemort's power somehow broke — and that's why he's gone." **

_*stunned silence*_

James: My son is awesome!!!!

Lily_: Our_ son.

Sirius: Go Harry, Go Harry!!!!

Remus: Impossible…

Lily: Why do you want my son dead???

Remus: _*quickly* _No I'm just saying how is this possible???

**Dumbledore nodded glumly. **

"**It's — it's **_**true**_**?" faltered Professor McGonagall. "After all he's done… all the people he's killed… he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding… of all the things to stop him… but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?"**

James: Because he was no match for the pure awesome genes in the Potter line!!

Lily: Pratt.

James: Or the even awesomer genes from the Evans line.

Lily: Well… maybe.

"**We can only guess." said Dumbledore. "We may never know." **

**Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles. Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.**

Sirius: How do you tell time with a watch like that?

Remus: Well… I have no idea.

**It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?" **

"**Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me **_**why **_**you're here, of all places?" **

Lily: That's a good point. They haven't said why there outside my sister's…

_*Lily and James exchange horrified looks*_

"**I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle.**

Lily: DON'T YOU DARE, DUMBLEDORE!!!!

_*Starts swearing at Dumbledore, the Dursley's, and anyone who tries to calm her down*_

**They're the only family he has left now." **

James: Wait, even if my parents are dead, what about Sirius or Remus. Hell, even Peter is better than these Muggles!

Lily: No, we are not giving our son to Sirius! He will make our son worse than the four Marauders combined. And Peter can barely take care of himself. Remus I'm ok with, or maybe my friend Alice.

Remus: No, I wouldn't take the baby.

Lily: _*angrily*_ And why not??

Remus: _*starts rubbing an old scar on his arm*_

"**You don't mean – you **_**can't **_**mean the people who live **_**here**_**?" cried Professor McGonagall, **

Lily: See, Dumbledore!

**jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore — you can't. I've been watching them all day. You couldn't find two people who are less like us. And they've got this son — I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets. Harry Potter come and live here!" **

"**It's the best place for him,"**

Remus: I doubt that.

**said Dumbledore firmly. "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. **

Lily_:*sarcastic*_ I bet they will.

**I've written them a letter." **

James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily: A Letter???

Sirius: Oh yeah, that will explain everything. I can just see it "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, Your sister and brother-in-law are dead. Here's their baby to take care of. P.S. He may be the most powerful wizard on the planet!!

"**A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?**

Lily_:*sarcastic*_ Probably the way Sirius said!

**These people will never understand him! He'll be famous — a legend — I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future **

Remus: Is there a Harry Potter Day?

Author: Yeah, it's July 31st.

— **there will be books written about Harry —**

Sirius: Like this one!

**every child in our world will know his name!" **

Author: _*quietly*_ Every child in this world and mine.

"**Exactly." said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head.**

Lily: That's true. We don't want him to be like his father.

James: Hey!!

**Famous before he can walk and talk!**

Lily: My son is probably walking and talking at this age.

**Famous for something he won't even remember! Can you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"**

Remus: He is right.

**Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed, and then said, "Yes — yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it. **

Lily_:*treating*_ He better not be there.

"**Hagrid's bringing him." **

James: Hagrid? Is that the best idea? I mean, I would trust him with my life, but he's a little careless.

"**You think it —**_**wise **_**— to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"**

"**I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore. **

James: Dumbledore thinks like I do!!!

"**I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place," said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless.**

Remus: And apparently Minnie.

James:_*offended*_

**He does tend to — what was that?" **

**A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky — and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them. **

Sirius: Wicked! I want one!!!

Lily: Remus, make sure he never gets a motorcycle, let alone a flying one.

Remus: Got it.

**If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so **_**wild **_**— long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of trash can lids, and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.**

Lily: Show of hands, who was scared of him when he showed up?

_*All except Author raise hands*_

"**Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?" **

"**Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me.**

Sirius: Yes!!!!!!!

Remus: Sorry Lily, I have failed you.

Lily: Yes. Yes you have.

**I've got him, sir."**

"**No problems, were there?" **

"**No, sir — house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."**

Lily and James: Awwwwwwww!!!

Sirius:_*Laughing at James's "Awwwwwwww"*_

**Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep.**

Lily and James: Awwwwwwww!!!!

Sirius:_*mockingly* _Aww…

_*is jinxed by Lily*_

**Under a tuft of jet-black hair**

James: He has my hair!

Lily: My poor baby.

**over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.**

Lily: JAMES, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SON!?!?!?

James: Why do you think that scar's because of me?!?

Lily: BECAUSE I CAN JUST SEE YOU DROPPING HIM OR DOING SOME PRANK NEAR HIM THAT WOULD SCAR MY POOR BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"**Is that where —?"**

Lily: HIS IDIOTIC FATHER SCARRED HIM FOR LIFE!!!!!

**whispered Professor McGonagall. **

"**Yes," said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever." **

Lily: _*Stairs angrily at James *_

"**Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?" **

"**Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. **

Sirius: Yeah, the ladies love them!

Lily: Pig.

**I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.**

Remus: OK, How the heck do you get a scar like that?

**Well — give him here, Hagrid — we'd better get this over with." **

**Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned toward the Dursleys' house. **

Lily: Dumbledore, do not give my son to that lard and his wife!!

"**Could I — could I say good-bye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave him what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss. Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog. **

Remus and Sirius: _*Howl*_

Lily: Why do you do that?

Remus: No reason.

"**Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "You'll wake the Muggles!" **

"**S-s-sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large, spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it —Lily an' James dead — an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles —" **

Lily: Why Hagrid, I didn't know you cared so much.

"**Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep,**

James: He's leaving my son on a cold doorstep in the middle of autumn? Harry could get sick!!

**took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets, and then came back to the other two.**

**For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously, and the twinkling light that usually shone from Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out. **

Sirius: Wow he must be really upset- that never happens.

"**Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations." **

Remus: I cannot imagine McGonagall ever partying.

"**Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I best get this bike away. G'night, Professor McGonagall — Professor Dumbledore, sir." **

**Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorcycle and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night. **

Sirius_:*proudly*_ My motorcycle.

"**I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply. **

**Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer.**

Remus: For the love of God, it's called a Deluminator!!

**He clicked it once, and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so that Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street. He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four. **

"**Good luck, Harry," he murmured. He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak, he was gone. **

**A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up.**

Sirius: Awwwwwwww.

Lily: _*smiles at Sirius *_

**One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on,**

James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily: Awwwwwwww!!!

**not knowing he was special,**

Lily: You're special to me, Harry Warry!

James: Do not call my son "Harry Warry".

**not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles,**

Remus: Nice way to wake up a baby.

**nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley**

James: Poor little Prongs Jr.

Lily: If I can't call Harry "Harry Warry", you can't call him Prongs Jr.

… **He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses**

James:*takes off his glasses and raises them above his head*

Lily: Moron.

**and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter — the boy who lived!"**

_*silence*_

Author: Still want to read?

James: OF CORSE YOU, MORON!

Author: No need to be pushy… Sirius, you read next.

Sirius: Why me?

Author: I get the feeling that if James or Lily read this chapter, they will go nuts.

Lily: Why?

Author: You'll see.

Sirius: Ok, I will.

**Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass**

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**Please read and review!! If you have any ideas for future jokes, please tell me!**


	3. The Vanishing Glass

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

******P.S: sorry if there's any spelling mistakes, something went weird when I tried emailing this to myself and it screwed up some stuff. I fixed most of it but I might have missed a few things ******

**

* * *

**

Chapter 2 the Vanishing Glass

Sirius: What does that mean?

Lily: We will find out soon enough

**Nearly ten years**

Remus: So this is 13 years in the future. That would make Harry around 10 or 11.

James: He's going to start Hogwarts soon!

**Had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all. The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys front door; it crept into their living room, which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls. Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-colored bonnets**

Sirius: Why would you dress up a beach ball?

**But Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby,  
**  
Lily: Was Dudley just compared to a beach ball?

_*Everyone bursts out laughing *_

**and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother.  
**  
Lily: Where are the pictures of my son?

**The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.  
**  
James and Lily: _*start looking very nervous*_

Lily: What happened to my baby?

Remus: Maybe we went and got him?

Sirius: Yeah, I'm sure that it.

**Yet Harry Potter was still there,  
**  
Lily:_ *Glares at Remus and Sirius*_

**asleep at the moment, **

Lily: My little Harry Warry needs his sleep!

James: The kid's 11! Don't call him "Harry Warry"!

**but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day.  
**  
James: Poor kid

**"Get up! Get up! Now!"  
**  
Lily: Petunia!

Remus: Could you think of a worse thing to wake up to?

Sirius: How about what my mom says when I sleep late— "Sirius Black get your scrawny buttocks down here and practice your curses!"

**Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again.**

**Up!" She screeched. Harry heard her walking toward the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the stove. He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one.**

Sirius: _*Suggestively*_ I wonder what dream this might be?

"Remus: Sirius! He's 10!

Sirius: So?

**There had been a flying motorcycle in it.  
**  
Sirius: That's a fun dream too!

**He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.  
**  
James: It's not a dream Harry!

Lily: He doesn't realize that. It's a surprise he remembers that far back any way.

**His aunt was back outside the door.  
**  
**"Are you up yet?" she demanded.**

**"Nearly", said Harry.**  
Remus: James says the same thing when we try to get him out of bed. He's horrible in the morning

**"Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And Don't you dare let it burn,"  
**  
Lily:_ *Screaming*_ They're making my son cook! What, are they using him as free labor? When I get my hands on Petunia...

James: Calm down Lily...

**"I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."  
**  
Lily: *sarcastic* Oh yes! God forbid something bad happened!

**Harry groaned.  
**  
**"What did you say?" His aunt snapped through the door.**

**"Nothing, nothing…"**

James: That's my son!

Lily: Unfortunately.

**Dudley's birthday- how could he have forgotten? Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them,  
**  
Lily: Eww, spiders. I hate spiders

**put them on. Harry was used to spiders,  
**  
Lily: Why is my son used to spiders?

**Because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, **

James: What's that supposed to mean?

**And that was where he slept.**

Everyone: What?

Lily: _*screaming*_ Why is my son living in a cupboard? When I get my hands on you I'll jinx you into oblivion! Where are child services?

James: I'm not going to even jinx them; I'm going to pound that Vernon man to a pulp.

Sirius: Battle plan, people. Help me think of things we can do to them.

Remus: How about we jinx them so they get boils on their lower extremities?

All except Remus: _*give Remus nervous looks*_

**When he was dressed he went down the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents.  
**  
Sirius: How many presents did this kid get?

Remus: Well, we don't know how big the table is.

**It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer**

Sirius and James: What's that?

Remus: It's a device muggles use to look stuff up on or talk on.

**he wanted, not to mention the second television  
**  
Sirius and James: What's that?

Lily: A box that you can watch shows on.

**and the racing bike.  
**  
Sirius and James: Wha...

Remus: Just shut up and let us read.

**Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise unless of course it involved punching somebody.  
**  
Lily: Nice way to raise a child, Petunia.

**Dudley's favorite punching bag was Harry,  
**  
Lily and James: Petunia!

**But he couldn't often catch him.**

Lily: That's good.

**Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.**

James: He will make a good Quidditch player.

Lily: Just because you like to play Quidditch does not mean our son will like to play it.

James: Blasphemy!

**Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard,  
**  
Lily: _*mutters under her breath all the ways she can torture her sister*_

**but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age.**

Remus: God no, he looks like his father.

Lily: Let's hope not.

James: Hey!

**He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's, and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was. Harry had a thin face, knobby knees, black hair,**

Lily: My poor son, he _does_ looks like his father!

James: Watch it.

Lily: Face it. You're both on the losing end of the gene pool. You have knobby knees and messy hair and are as thin as rails.

James: You're doing wonders for my self confidence.

Sirius: It's an accurate description.

**and bright green eyes.  
**  
Lily: At least he has my eyes.

James: And what wonderful eyes they are.

Remus: Suck up.

**He wore round glasses  
**  
Lily: Great! My son's blind as well!

James: I'm not blind!

Remus: You once mistook Sirius for a girl!

James: It's not my fault he has such long hair!

**held together with a lot of Scotch tape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.  
**  
James: I am going to kill him

**the only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning.  
**  
Lily: James...

James: I told you I did not do it!

**He had had it as long as he could remember, and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was**

James: ...Where do babies come from?

Sirius: ...Why are you so stupid?

**how he had gotten it.**

**"In the car crash when your parents died," she had said.**

James: She said we died in a car crash? What's a car anyway?

Remus: Muggle form of transportation.

Lily: I suppose I'm not that annoyed about that. It's not like she could tell a little kid 'You got it when a psychopath used magic to kill your whole family.'

**"And don't ask questions."**

Sirius: Remus you'd die in that house. I've never heard anyone ask as many questions as you do.

**'Don't ask questions'— that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.  
**  
**Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon.  
**  
Lily: Harry, put down your cousin.

James: Did you just call Dudley a pig?

Lily: Yes.

James: Nice.

**"Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of a morning greeting.  
**  
James: He can try, but the Potter hair can never be tamed.

**About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut.  
**  
James: My hair is the same way.

Author: I'm the same way too.

Lily: I almost forgot you were there. Why haven't you been talking?

Author: I've read these books so much I just want to see how you'll react. I'll make a comment occasionally but I'll mostly just listen.

Sirius: ... You do realize that that sounds slightly stalkerish?

Author: _*pause*_ ...Yes.

**Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way all over the place.  
**  
James: The little guy is just like his father.

Lily: I sure hope not.

**Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon. He had a large pink face, not much neck, small, watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head.  
**  
James: At least our son does not look like that.

Lily: True

**Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel.**

Remus: Yeah, if an angel decided to eat everything in sight.

**Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.  
**  
All: _*all laugh*  
_  
Sirius: Did I mention how much I love your son?

**Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents.  
**  
Sirius: Brat.

**His face fell.**

**"Thirty-six,"**

Sirius: He got 36 presents!

Remus: He can count that high?

Sirius: Even Regulus is not that spoiled.

**he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."  
**  
Lily: _*sarcastically*_ Oh, poor baby.

**"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy."  
**  
Remus: What a brat! 37 presents!

**"All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, began wolfing down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over.  
**  
James: No kid could be that bad, right?

Lily: This one is, apparently.

**Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too, because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, pumpkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?  
**  
Lily: 39 presents! For the freaking love of god Petunia how the hell can you raise of kid like this?

**Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work. Finally he said slowly, "So I'll have thirty… thirty… "  
**  
Remus: 39 you useless bag of troll guts! Honestly the kids stupid and spoiled!

**"Thirty-nine, sweeties," said Aunt Petunia.  
**  
**"Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then."  
**  
**Uncle Vernon chuckled.  
**  
**"Little tyke wants his money's worth,  
**  
Sirius: Don't encourage him you git

**just like his father."  
**  
Lily: Unfortunately.

**"Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair.  
**  
**At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a video camera, a remote control airplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR.  
**  
Sirius and James: _*about to ask what those things are*  
_  
Remus: I told you, you should have taken muggle studies like me.

**He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch.  
**  
James: Ok, who would trust any 11 year old with a gold watch anyway?

**When Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried.  
**  
**"Bad news, Vernon,"**

James: 'Harry's Uncle Remus and Sirius are here to get him so we no longer have free labor.'

Lily: _*glaring at Remus and Sirius*_ Where. Are .You?

Remus and Sirius_: *looking nervous*  
_  
**she said. "Mrs. Figg's broke her leg. She can't take him."  
**  
James: Figg, Figg... why does that name sound familar?

**She jerked her head in Harry's direction.**

Lily: Must they treat my son like he is a dog.

Sirius: Not that there's anything wrong with dogs.

**Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap.  
**  
Lily: Yay, my son is happy!

**Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants,**

Remus: How do you spend an entire day at a hamburger restaurant?

**or the movies. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away. Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.  
**  
James: Sirius, do you thing this could be Arabella?

Sirius: I suppose so.

Lily: Who's Arabella?

James: 3rd cousin of mine. She's about 20 years older than me. She got disowned because she was a squib.

Lily: _*angrily*_ Your family disowned her because she was a squib?

James: _*quickly* _She's from the Black side of my family

**"Now what? said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this.**

Remus: I doubt Harry would plan anything like that.

Sirius: He _is_ James's son.

Remus: ...true.

**Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbles, Snowy, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again.**

James: This is definitely my cousin. She's obsessed with cats.

Sirius: Those are the worst pet names I have ever heard of.

James: Not as bad as Lily's cat Ferdinand.

Lily: _*looks angry at James*_

**"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.**

"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."

Remus: I dislike this Marge woman already.  
**  
The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there, or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug.  
**  
Lily and James: *_start developing twitches from being angry so much*_

**"What about what's-her-name, your friend Yvonne?"  
**  
Lily: *_angrily* _No, not her! I know her now and she's horrible.

**"On vacation in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia.**  
Lily: _*angrily*_ Do not leave my son home alone, Petunia!

"You could just leave me here,"

Sirius: Would you rather him with them?

Lily: …no.

**Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer).  
**  
James:_ *tearing up*_ My son. A true marauder

**Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a lemon.**

Remus: Isn't that her usual expression?

**"And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled.  
**  
Remus: No 11 year old could do that!

Sirius: He _is_ James's son.

James: I wish my son was that cool!

**"I won't blow up the house," said Harry,  
**  
James: That disappoints me, Harry.

**but they weren't listening.**  
Lily: Yes, would that be so horrible?

"I suppose we could take him to the zoo,"

**said Aunt Petunia slowly, "and leave him in the car..."  
**  
Lily: *screaming* DO NOT LEAVE MY SON IN THE CAR!

**"That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone."  
**  
Lily: What are you afraid of, he'll be like a dog and pee in it?

Sirius: What have you against dogs?  
**  
Dudley began to cry loudly.  
**  
Remus: You've got to be kidding me.

**In fact, he wasn't really crying. It had been years since he'd really cried, but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.  
**  
James:_ *about to say something*_

Author: Yes, we get it. Dudley's a brat and Petunia is dead meat. Can we please stop commenting on that every few lines?

**"Dinky Duddydums,  
**  
_*all start laughing*_

Sirius: Dinky Duddydums? That has got to be the worst pet name I've ever heard of!

**Don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.  
**  
Lily: I agree with Remus, you have got to be kidding me.

**"I ... don't ... want ... him ... t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always sp-spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms.  
**  
James: *starts strangling the air in front of him*

**Just then, the doorbell rang "Oh, good Lord, they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss,  
**  
Remus: What is with Muggles and giving children such weird names?

Lily: First, look who's talking Remus. Second, I thought you were muggleborn?

Remus: My mum's a muggleborn but my dad's a pure blood. Don't know what that makes me.

James: Half blood.

**walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat.**  
Lily: Reminds me of Peter.

Sirius: Watch it, Evans.

**He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while he Dudley hit them.  
**  
James: If he's so scrawny, how does he have the strength to hold a struggling person's arm behind their back?

**Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once.**

**Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life.  
**  
Lily: _*excitedly*_ My Harry's first trip to the zoo!

Remus: Too bad it's not a wizard one, otherwise it would be really cool.

**His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.**

**"I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, boy any funny business, anything at all ,and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."**  
Lily: When does this chapter take place?

Author: June.

Lily_:*screaming* _He would keep my son locked up for six months?

**"I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "Honestly..."  
**  
**But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.  
**  
Remus: It's not a bad decision. Never trust a Potter not to cause trouble.

**The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.  
**  
Sirius: OooOOoo accidental magic. That's always fun to hear about.  
**  
Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all,  
**  
James: Damn you Potter Hair!

**Had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald except for his bangs, **

James: That's just cruel.

**which she left 'to hide that horrible scar.' Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry, who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses.  
**  
Lily: My baby's being bullied at school too?  
**  
Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off.  
**  
Remus: Wow, a growth charm that strong for accidental magic.

**He had been given a week in his cupboard for this, even though he had tried to explain that he couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly.**

**Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls).**

Sirius: No wonder the kids teased!

**The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry.**

Sirius: A shrinking charm? That's powerful too, right Remus?

Remus: Considerably.

**Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.  
**  
James: Good.

**On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens. Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual when, as much to Harry's surprise as anyone else, there he was sitting on the chimney.  
**  
_*stunned silence*_

Lily: Did he just apperate?

Remus: I think so. I've never heard of that ever happening to an underage wizard.

James: My son's awesome!

**The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard)**

Lily: _*strangles the air in front of her*_

**was jump behind the big trashcans outside the kitchen doors. Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid-jump.**

Sirius: Wind caught him in mid jump? What an idiot!

James and Lily: _*Glare*_  
**  
But today, nothing was going to go wrong.**

Remus: Something's going to go wrong.

**It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Frigg's cabbage-smelling living room.**

**While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favorite subjects.**

Sirius: Was it just me or did he say Harry a few times?

Lily: Yes.

**This morning, it was motorcycles.**

Sirius: What's wrong with them?

Remus: There loud, obnoxious, and dangerous.

Sirius: … what's your point?

**"... roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums, " he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.**

**"I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying."**

**Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front. He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a mustache:**

James: Sounds attractive!

**"MOTORCYCLES Don't FLY!"**

**Dudley and Piers sniggered.**

Lily: Jerks.

"**I know they don't," said Harry. "It was only a dream."**

**But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.**

**It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams**

James and Sirius: Choooocolateee!

**at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop.**

Lily: My poor baby.

**It wasn't bad, either, Harry thought,**

Lily: Oh, that's ok then!

**licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head that looked remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.**

Lily and James: I love my son

Remus and Sirius: I love your son!

**Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time. He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime, wouldn't fall back on their favorite hobby of hitting him.**

Remus: _*Lets out a very wolf like growl*_

**They ate in the zoo restaurant, and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbockers glory didn't have enough ice cream on top,**

All in unison: Brat!

**Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.**

James: Good for you!

**Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.**

**After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering**

Sirius: Hate them!

Lily: What?

Sirius: Slytherin.

**Over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons.**

James and Sirius: Me too!

**Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a trash can**

Remus: Do it!

**but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep.**

Author: Don't all snakes in zoos look like that?

**Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the glistening brown coils.**

**"Make it move,' he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge.**

Lily: Did he honestly think that would work?

**"Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.**

**"This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away.**

James: Go jump off a cliff!

**Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake.**

Sirius: Maybe he'll set it on fire by accident!

Everyone else: _*edge away from Sirius*_

**He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself**

Remus: Can you actually die of boredom?

Lily: Have you been in one of Binn's classes?

**No Company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom,**

James: Not by much.

**where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up; at least he got to visit the rest of the house.**

Sirius: See, Lily, it could be worse!

Lily: _*Gives death glare*  
_  
**The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's.**

Lily: It's going to attack!

**It winked.**

Remus: But snakes don't have eyelids!  
**  
Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and winked, too.**

Sirius: Don't wink at the snake.

**The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, and then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly:**

**"I get that all the time."**

_*silence*_

James: Is he..?

Lily: I think he is!

Sirius: That... that's rare and dark magic!

Remus: How? The gift is practically extinct!

James: Just keep reading!  
**  
"I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "It must be really annoying."**

Lily: I don't know what creeps me out more, the fact my son can talk to snakes or the fact this doesn't faze him.

**The snake nodded vigorously**.

**"Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked.**

**The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it.**

**Boa Constrictor, Brazil.**

"**Was it nice there?"**

James: Stop talking to it!

**The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. "Oh, I see so you've never been to Brazil?"**

Sirius: Harry, this is a talking snake! When is it going to hit you that it is not normal to talk to snakes!

**As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT it's DOING!"**

Remus: What's he making it do? To them it just looks like its staring at him.

**Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as he could.**

**"Out of the way, you," he said, punching Harry in the ribs.**

James: Your dead runt!

Remus: James, he's too big to be a runt.

**Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor.**

**What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened,**

Sirius: Did the snake eat Dudley?

Lily: Please say yes!

**one second Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror.**

Sirius: Did it rip their faces off?

Author: I'm starting to see the resemblance between you and Bellatrix.

**Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished.**

James, Remus, and Sirius: All right!

Lily: God no!

**The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running for the exits.**

Author: Come on! Have you ever seen a boa move? They're not that fast!

**As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come ... Thanksss, amigo."**

Sirius: Gracias Sr. Snake y no dude en volver y comer esos estúpidos Muggles **(See bottom of page)**

All: _*Look at Sirius with stunned amazement*_

Sirius: What?

**The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.**

"**But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"**

Remus: If you want to get metaphysical, the atoms making up the glass were changed-

James: Shut up!

**The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber.**

Lily: As opposed to the sounds they usually make?

**As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed,**

James: Good snakey!

Sirius: Traitor.

**but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeeze him to death.**

Remus: If we were only that lucky.

**But worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry? **

Lily: I'LL KILL HIM!

everyone else: _*try hiding from her wrath*_

**Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. He managed to say, "Go, cupboard, stay, no meals, **

Lily: _*Starting to reach a Bellatrix level of deranged anger*_

**"before he collapsed into a chair, and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.**

**Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later, wishing he had a watch. He didn't know what time it was and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet. Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food.**

Remus: See Lily! He's a marauder, he won't starve!

**He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years,**

Lily: _*to Remus and Sirius*_ WHERE ARE YOU?

**as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents had died in that car crash. He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died. Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead.**

Sirius: He was hit by the killing curse?

James: Its official, my son is awesome.

**This, he supposed, was the crash, though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from. He couldn't remember his parents at all.**

**His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course he was forbidden to ask questions. There were no photographs of them in the house.**

James: First thing I do when I get out of this room…

**When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it had never happened; **

Remus and Sirius: _*At this point looking really guilty*__**  
**_**  
the Dursleys were his only family. Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. Very strange strangers they were, too.**

Remus: This is going to be good.

**A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man, Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything.**

Lily: Admittedly, a strange guy coming up to a young boy and bowing does sound kind of weird.

**A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus. A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. **

Remus: So far two creepy guys and a creepy lady have come up to Harry. They're either wizards or someone should call Dateline.

**The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry tried to get a closer look.**

Sirius: So they're wizards.

**At school, Harry had no one.**

James and Lily:_*start getting emotional*_

**Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley's gang.**

Lily: Poor Harry!

Remus: That's the end.

Author: Lily, do you want to read?

Lily: Sure.

* * *

******Thank you to all who've stayed loyal waiting for an update, it's been a busy few months and I didn't get to finish the chapter until recently. Hopefully I will be able to update more. ******

***** P.S: the Spanish above is supposed to mean:** **Thank you Mr. Snake and feel free to come back and eat those stupid Muggles. I'm sorry to any native Spanish speakers if I butchered it. I can't speak a word of Spanish if my life depended on it! *****


End file.
